It has been a while since I have blogged so I decided to test the waters once again to help me decide if I should start blogging regularly. What made blogging fall by the wayside for me? Well, aside from the time that it takes to sit down, transform my thoughts and ideas into real sentences and paragraphs, and edit for readability (all in my spare time), I have a bigger problem…
The Problem With Honesty
I have this inner struggle (both in real life and on the internet). I desire to be brutally honest about who I am and what I think. But at the same time, I don’t want to offend people or cause conflict or controversy. I truly wish I didn’t care about what others think so much… but compromise, harmony and “getting along” has been ingrained in me since I can remember, perhaps I was born that way. Sometimes I can get really fearful about this and I wish that I could just let it go.
In A World…
Ultimately, I want to live in a world where we can all be our authentic selves without judging the “other”. After all, there will always be people that are different than us and choices that we don’t agree with. (I would hope we can encourage growth and improvement in our fellow men and women as well but that’s a whole other topic for another day). Perhaps you may think this is all too idealistic, but I would rather live as an optimist then give up on this seemingly small but very important dream.
I want to be more than just a shadow of myself
So, how can we move toward a world that accepts people for who they are? How can someone like me move in the direction of authentic living? Well, my first step is to try to overcome my own fears by stating aloud one bold thing per day that resonates with my inner being. Some days will require more bravery than others…some days I will simply remind myself to be who I am and be proud of that. Perhaps this small daily intention will be a step in the right direction toward authentic living.
Tell me about your struggles to live authentically and/or be honest with yourself and others. How do you overcome your fears?
…always a sprinter?
Me receiving the baton in a 4x100m relay in high school
Indeed, I began my running “career” as a sprinter and mid-distance runner. This is one reason I think I often have trouble with pacing. But I think any runner can get caught up in the excitement of the beginning of a race.
At the Run for the Door 5k last weekend, I definitely got over-zealous and thought I was super-Vanessa. I was hoping to run an even paced first mile at an average 7:30 min/mile pace, but instead I ran the first half mile at a sub-6 minute/mile pace. Instead of running negative splits as I intended, the first mile was the fastest (I totally wore myself out), the second mile was the slowest (I had to recover from the first mile), and the third mile I luckily had enough left to speed it back up again.
Despite going out a bit fast, I am still pleased with my performance. While I wasn’t aiming for a personal best this time, I was trying to improve upon my most recent race time and run between 22 and 24 minutes. I did just that, crossing the finish line in 23 minutes. I was pleased to place 1st in my age group and 3rd among females.
On one hand, I regret not sticking to my guns and going out a bit slower, but on the other hand, this gives me hope for my races later in the summer (the Donor Dash and Human Race) where I plan to pace myself a bit better and run a personal best (under 21:18).
But until then, it’s on with the training plan!
Drenched in bliss, I’m lost
Dog bark jolts reality
Valve off, day begins
Be Me, Be Free
I am striving to let go and be me. Sometimes I let others influence me, or I dream up an intense pressure and put it on myself. I mentioned this a couple days ago in my post Garden Guilt. But today, I will listen to these words:
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
― Bernard M. Baruch
Go be you today… or not. Your choice.
Though I try to let go and not care what others think, I am a people pleaser to the core. You don’t even have to communicate what you want, I KNOW what you want… OK, I truly have no idea, but I can certainly spend all my time making tons of assumptions and worrying about it, and I do.
For example, my overgrown garden beds and weed-filled yard… I am certain that the millions of dandelion seeds that blow from my yard are the many reasons my neighbors haven’t wanted to get to know me for the past 5 1/2 years. But, instead of actually making real improvements, I occasionally make a half-hearted attempt to weed or prune or… who am I kidding, I know nothing about yard work or gardening. And I hate my yard. Perhaps it’s time to give in and pay someone to fix it up, that way it would actually get done… and in this case it wouldn’t just please my neighbors, it would please me.